


Things I'll Never Say

by jimboppa (caramiro)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1462654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/jimboppa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A blue rose symbolizes impossible love. Denis knows this, that’s why he intends to give his blue rose before it’s too late</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I'll Never Say

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Ba’t Di Mo Sabihin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447669) by [jimboppa (caramiro)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/jimboppa). 



> Blue Roast is an traditional seniors’ send-off party in the university I graduated from. The highlight of the party is the giving of the blue rose, which seniors give to someone special to them. A blue rose is supposed to symbolize hope in an impossible love. Some other people give it to their friends, or a teacher they got close to. Ideally, it is given to the person you’ve had a crush on since first year. It’s usually considered a confession of love before everyone parts ways.

**2017**

Denis arrives early to the final Blue Roast volunteers’ meeting. After all, he is the Blue Roast Head. There’s no other person in the AVR, their designated meeting place. This is the last time he’d get to see the volunteers and remind them of what they should and shouldn’t do. If anything goes wrong during their graduation party, it’s going to be his head on the plate—if worse comes to worst, he might not even graduate. He may not be graduating valedictorian—he’s as not superhuman as Yuna was—but he wants to savor the moment when he graduates cum laude with a degree in English Literature. After four years of sleepless nights, tears, cramming, challenges, laughter, stupidity, memories, and all other experiences, it’s all finally going to be over. It’s still quite difficult to wrap his around around it all, but things are happening way too fast for his liking.

As he thinks of Blue Roast again, a lot of meetings have been held and he trusts his volunteers to know what they’re supposed to do. All that’s left is to hand over the shirts to the volunteers who have to wear them, especially the undergrads who won’t be admitted to the venue without tickets. 

Denis realizes how lucky he is to have friends from the lower batch willing to help him out (after several rounds of convincing). He knows it’s finals week for them, but there were some kind souls in the forms of Yuzuru, Michael, Jinseo, Nam, Soyoun, Kanako, Maia, and Han—despite Michael needing to finish some lab reports, Nam and Kanako still having oral exams, while Jinseo’s trying to prove himself worthy of being the school publication’s incoming Sports editor and Han starts his internship a week after finals. “I better treat these kids to lunch after graduation,” he thinks as he checks his wallet. 

He hears Ashey, the Programs committee head, and Misha, the Creatives head arguing about Misha’s shirt design for the volunteers. 

“Misha!” Ashley grumbled. “Just why did you use that color again? Violet won’t be seen in the dark, you know!”

“I’m _sorry_ that the person who silkscreened the shirts didn’t use glow-in-the-dark paint!” Misha snapped his fingers as he spoke before sticking his tongue out. 

“Put that back in, Misha. Are you trying to impersonate Miley Cyrus?” 

“Whatever, Ashley.”

Misha got up from the desk he was sitting on. “Still need me around here, Denis? Cause I’m going ahead. I still have to put on makeup and change costumes. I have to look fabulous when I host Blue Roast later. Toodles!” 

“Hey Misha! Your makeup and outfits are still in my car, which is parked at the parking lot near the field!” Ashley yells at Misha’s departing back. 

Denis and the other volunteers chuckled at the entire exchange. That was basically how Misha and Ashley operate—butting heads, but they share everything from notes in Philosophy and Theology classes to makeup which they think suits the other one better. Even if Denis’ head often ached because of their antics, he admits that he will miss this. He’s gotten so used to seeing these faces and hearing these voices in the student exchange council org room everyday that it seems so strange to think that he may never get to see them again after graduation. He looks at the time and realizes that he better go and check on the people setting up at the field.

When Denis and the other volunteers arrive at the field, the first thing that greets them is an obnoxiously large and colorful tarpaulin bearing the words “Who will you give your blue rose to?” in enormous letters. 

“Misha’s style always has to be eye-catching, huh?”

Denis jumped a little at the sound of that voice, and turned around to see his other best friend Alex, who happened to be part of the Logistics committee.

“Alex! What’s up?” he asks as he high-fives his friend.

“Are you asking about me or the setting up?” Alex asks back, smirking. 

“You decide,” Denis chuckles as he shrugs.

 

 

 

 

**2013**

It is the first day of Denis’ English Literature class, his first class that he didn’t have with any of his blockmates. He arrives a little early so he decides to take a seat close to the window. He looks out the window and takes pleasure in watching the sophomore Yuna Kim walk around. It’s not that he’s a stalker, but that Yuna is the only person worth noticing at 7am.

All of a sudden, someone taps him on the back and Denis turns back to notice that two guys are beside him. The first guy has red hair and is wearing a floral blazer with white shorts and boat shoes while the taller one he’s with is wearing a black shirt, jeans, and sneakers. 

“Is it alright to sit with you?” The guy with the red hair asks. From his tone, it is obvious that he’s the flamboyant kind of gay. “I mean, you’re cute and we’re cute. We cute people might as well stick together, right?”

Denis doesn’t know if he wants to laugh. First of all, this is the first time anyone’s ever said he was cute, be it girl or boy. Second, he doesn’t know if the guy was actually serious or if he was just trolling. 

Before Denis can react, the other guy beats him to it. “Excuse Misha. He’s just naturally shameless, but we mean it if it’s okay to sit beside you?”

“Sure, go ahead. Actually, you guys are the first people I spoke to in this class. Denis. English Lit,” Denis replies while he extends his hand.

“Misha. Information Design,” says the guy wearing florals and proceeds to hug him instead of shaking his hand. “We’re going to be best friends. I can feel it!”

“Hey, Misha. Don’t scare our classmate,” says the other guy. When Misha lets Denis go, the only guy left to introduce himself approaches them. “Alex. Creative Writing. Nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you, too.” Denis can’t help his smile, he can’t even understand why his heart rate is picking up speed. This is not good. He already has a crush on his new classmate. On the bright side, none of his new found friends seem to notice his anxiety. 

But there’s one question Denis has to ask for his peace of mind. “How long have you guys been friends?”

“Not that long, “ Alex replied as he takes the seat next to Denis while Misha occupies the one behind Denis. “Misha and I just met at PE yesterday, at since we didn’t know anyone else here, we decided to stick together. And, here you are. Did you know you’re actually the first person Misha hugged after introducing himself after me?”

Denis has no idea what he’d have said if Misha didn’t suddenly squeal. “OMG! Denis! You like EXO and Big Bang too?” They are exchanging numbers and social media accounts when Misha accidentally stumbles on Denis’ playlist.

“Yeah, why?”

“I love them!” Misha gushes. “I knew there was a reason my gut told me the three of us are going to be best friends!” 

“I like them too, but I’m not as hardcore as Misha over here who knows all the fanchants and runs a fanfiction community.” Alex says as he gets Denis’ phone from Misha to put in his contact details. “By the way, where do you guys live?” 

“Over there,” Misha says as he points to the in-campus dorm which can be seen from their classroom’s window. 

Denis’ eyes grow wide at this. There’s only one dorm building for the male freshmen in campus. “No way! I dorm here too!” 

“What’s your room number?” Misha asks. When Denis answers him, Misha squeals once again. “OH MY GOD. We’re neighbors!” 

“At least I know someone at the dorm orientation later,” Denis says, grinning at Misha. Something tells him that he’d be dorm-crashing at Misha’s room.

Alex laughs at their hyperactive classmate, and Denis thinks he likes the sound of Alex’s laughter. “Misha, it’s too early for anyone to be this chipper,” Alex yawns. “How much coffee did you have?” 

Misha shrugs as Denis asks, “How about you, Alex? Do you dorm too?”

Alex shakes his head. “Nah, but I live nearby. It’ll all depend on where my sister will study next year if we’ll get a place near here or not. Besides, I can dorm-crash with you in case of emergencies, right?”

Denis finds himself laughing as the three of them exchange stories about their lives. He learns that Misha is also a part-time model and fashion designer, while Alex plans on being a filmmaker with his sister. They are watching some of the crazy YouTube videos Alex and his sister made when their professor walks in, one minute before the second bell.

“Damn it,” Misha whispers. “Just one more minute before a free cut!”

“Maybe next time,” Alex whispers back. 

Their teacher introduces himself as Jeremy Abbott. He looks like the type students would classify as “a cool prof,” and he managed to engage the entire class at once with his infinite _Harry Potter_ references, going so far as calling the university president Father Orser as Professor Dumbledore. Denis gets the impression that Sir Jeremy is the type who’s updated with what’s relevant in his students’ lives, and that Sir Jeremy is going to become one of his favorite teachers in the English Department.

“And for your midterm paper, I want you to form groups of three. Go to a place you’ve never been, and write a feature article on it.”

Denis, Misha, and Alex all exchange glances the moment Sir Jeremy said those words. Obviously, they’re teaming up for this. Denis hopes that their working dynamic is similar to how they met—perfect chemistry.

Luckily, their working dynamics suit them perfectly, and their trip to Chinatown was just the beginning of countless escapades and (mis)adventures. Denis can’t explain how he finds himself getting closer to Misha and Alex instead of his own block mates. There are very few people majoring in English Literature, and part of him feels regretful that they aren’t very tight-knit as a block.

The three of them also find themselves joining the student exchange council—because of the guy manning the booth during recruitment week. Misha swears that the guy resembles Suho, a member of the KPop boyband EXO, and he wants to seduce—rather, get to know—the guy. They eventually learn the guy’s called Patrick Chan and that he’s a year above them. No matter how many times Misha flirts with him, everyone knows Patrick just lets him be since he only has eyes for Yuna. 

Denis never expected to find a home in the student exchange council and finds himself staying loyal to the organization his whole college life. This isn’t the only thing they sign up for as all three of them join other orgs relevant to their interests—Denis is in glee club, while Alex joins the filmmaking circle, and Misha becomes the resident social butterfly/party animal/eventual Queen Mother of the org for LGBT community in campus.

 

 

 

 

**2017**

“Denis, you’ve already played support system to Ashley when she gave her blue rose, and even your deputy Trisha already gave you her blue rose, so what are you still doing in the volunteers’ HQ? ” Misha asks, pointing to the rose Denis has yet to give.

“How about you?” he asks back. “By the way, how many cans of beer did you already drink?”

“Only two, and Patrick’s not here anymore, so what’s the point?” Misha laughs. “But what I’m saying is, just give that rose already! We’ll man the booth and answer whatever concerns people have if they look for you here. 

“But—”

Misha refuses to to let him say anything else. “Denis, for once in your life, at least before we graduate, think of your own love life and problems first. You had my back all our college lives. Now, I’ve got yours.”

“Misha—”

“Trisha! Marchy! You two are in charge while I kidnap the Boss. He just has a mission to fulfill.” 

Denis grumbles as his deputies merely salute them before allowing his best friend to drag him around. Misha is the only person who knows whom Denis will give his blue rose to, not because Denis said so, but because of his own gaydar, as he calls it. 

“And we are leaving some things unsaid. And we are breathing deeper instead,” Misha sang along with the band onstage. 

“Misha, are you sure you just drank two cans of beer?” Denis asks his friend who is singing as if he was the band’s lead singer.

The song hits way too close to home, whether Denis cares to admit it or not.

 

 

 

 

**2014**

“I’m dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing,” Denis complains as they walk out of Math class.

“Denis, you’re practically the only one this tiny umbrella covers and you’re still the one complaining?” Alex says with an eyebrow raised at him. 

“We're practically a human sandwich and you two are giving me too much body heat. Go buy your own umbrellas! The bookstore is just over there!” Denis jokingly whines as he points to the in-campus bookstore. 

“And what? Miss my chance to work the red brick road?” Misha asks. “Nu-uh”

“Misha, we’ll be passing the red brick road anyway as we enter the building.”

“But we’re going to be late for Alex’s shoot!” Misha points out. 

Unfortunately, the three of them have to take summer classes. They all may have been in the freshman Merit English class, but they were placed in Basic Math than Regular Math, as they flunked the diagnostic test the Math department administers at the beginning of the year.

Despite having to take classes in the sweltering heat of the campus, Alex still calls this a blessing in disguise as they ended up volunteering to help out with the freshman orientation. Misha applied as a member of the Talk and Tours committee or TnT as they are fondly called—Denis swears these people have Red Bull in their veins as they manage to run, shout, dance, and just be crazy in general for three whole days—and actually made it through all those crazy-ass auditions. Alex, on the other hand, joined the film circle’s team behind the film the freshmen will be watching, and ended up writing the script for it. 

Denis himself had no intention of volunteering, but Misha somehow managed to convince him to join the Logistics committee. He’ll still end up running around and shouting at freshmen to run, but at least he won’t be on crack and hyper like Misha will be. Although his training isn’t in another two weeks, he finds himself staying after classes since Alex roped him, Misha, and their friend Ashley as extras for the film. According to the script, Alex infused _Divergent_ , _Game of Thrones,_ at _House of Cards_ into one crazy setting, wherein Tris will be battling the Stark family as she causes a political uproar in campus. Denis remembers the number of nights Alex crashed his dorm to complain over having writer’s block and how he didn’t want his sister Maia to see what was in store for her and the other freshmen. 

“BAD NEWS, ELAINE,” their lead actress Carolina shouts as they’re all waiting for some of the cast members to join them. “Akiko just called, saying Javier got injured during their pep squad training and will have to go through therapy for at least a week. WHAT DO WE DO?”

“Fuck this shit,” the production head mutters. “Is there anyone here who can sing and take over Javier’s part?” she shouts to the whole team. 

“Elaine!” Alex shouts to the production head, while pointing at Denis, who was just silently doing his Math homework while waiting for a reply from his friends in glee club who could possibly help them out. “Denis! He can sing!”

The production director’s eyes go wide at this. “Really? Hey, Denis! Is it OK if we ask you to take over for Javier?” 

Denis feels the entire cast and crew’s eyes on him, waiting for an answer. Honestly, he isn’t fond of acting in front of a camera. There’s a reason he joined glee club instead of musical theater. To make things even worse for him, Javier plays a major role in this film. He’s already sent a message to his fellow glee club members, maybe one of them would be willing to help out. 

“Denis, please?” Alex begged, practically on his knees. “We don’t have time to wait if any of your friends in glee club can help us! I’ll call Javier to help you out with filming if I have to!” 

He knows he’s going to regret this for the rest of his life, but he knows Alex is the one person who can make him willingly step out of his comfort zone. 

“Fine, Alex," he says, letting out the breath he has been holding. “I’ll do it.” 

“FUCK YES! DENIS, YOU’RE THE MAN!” Alex shouts as he wraps his arms around Denis in his version of a bear hug. Despite the heat, Denis likes how Alex’s hugs feel, but he is surprised when Alex lifts him bridal style. 

“Alex! I know I’m shorter than you are, but THIS is too much!” he says as he playfully swats his friend to put him down as he curbs the blush on his cheeks. He simply laughs along as everyone else takes out their phones to take photos for as long as they are in that position. In the day and age of Instagram, Denis knows that there will be several posts of that photo tonight. 

 

 

 

 

It takes hours for them to film the scenes in which Denis filled in for Javier, and he confesses it’s not an easy job. First of all, Javier’s lines were intended to be recited with a Spanish accent, which Denis obviously doesn’t have. Second, was that Javier’s costume was too big for him. Luckily, the scenes they shot today are the last scenes Javier’s going to appear in, which means Denis never ever has to wear that embarrassing red and yellow aerobics instructor/superhero outfit ever again. He wonders how Javier has the guts to wear that thing without laughing at himself. But this doesn’t mean that he can ditch the cast and crew of the film, as he (along with Misha and Ashley) are among the forever-on call extras. 

Right now, he and Misha are at a milk tea cafe near campus. Both of them refuse to go back to campus since it’s a freaking furnace in there despite all the trees in it. Denis savors the Earl Grey and black sugar taste of his Okinawa milk tea, when Misha asks, “Do you have a crush on Alex?”

Denis chokes on the tapioca pearl that was about to go down his throat at Misha’s questions. He doesn’t want to lie, but he’s not confessing anything either. He wheezes and hacks as he tries restoring his breathing back to normal. 

“Danm it, Misha!” he curses once the tapioca pearl went down his throat properly. “Don’t ask questions like that when I’m drinking! I could have died there!”

God, Denis. You’re not going to die,” Misha says as he rolls his eyes. “But, what? Do you like him?”

Denis sighs. He has no idea what to say. While Misha is his best friend, he doesn’t exactly want to say his feelings out loud. “Next question!” he says, looking anywhere but at Misha.

“So you like him.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Why else would you agree to act for that film, when we all know you hate acting?” Misha challenges. “You were able to conquer your phobia for cameras and made yourself sing and act just because Alex begged you to, looking like a kicked puppy. I, on the other hand, can’t get you to pose in my designs even when I resort to bribery! Tsk tsk tsk. Denis, you are sooooo obvious.”

“Shit.” 

“Not obvious to everyone. Just me,” Misha says with a tiny smile. “Your secret’s safe with me. I know I love gossiping, but give me some credit. For you, I can keep my mouth shut.”

“Thanks, Misha,” Denis says, as the feeling in his chest gets lighter.

 

 

 

 

**2017**

“GO!” Misha pushes Denis straight into Alex’s back.

“Fuck you Misha,” Denis swears at a grinning Misha who is now hiding behind a pillar holding up the stage. 

“Ouch! What the fuck is your—Denis! What brings you here, stranger? And since when did you start swearing?” Alex asks, grinning.

“Blame Misha,” Denis grumbles as he still can’t look Alex in the eye.

“Oh? Who did that one come from?” Alex asks, pointing at the blue rose Denis is holding. “Tell me! Tell me before I start singing that Wonder Girls song Misha taught us.”

Denis notices that Alex has received a lot of roses. Now he’s not sure if he can still bring himself to confess. He sighs. “This is actually mine. I just haven’t given it yet. How about you, you look like you’ve gotten a lot. Anyone getting yours?”

“Nah. I haven’t given mine either,” Alex says, staring at the distance. “I have no one to give it to anyway. You all know I didn’t like anyone here… You should go and find the person you’ll give that to.”

Denis suddenly feels a change in the air. He doesn’t know if he’s just being paranoid, or if the atmosphere between them just suddenly shifted. It’s been weeks since he and Alex have been alone together like this. Denis knows it’s his own stupidity that caused them not to speak for a long time. If he hadn’t done that, then maybe they’d still be OK.

 

 

 

 

They’re at Alex and Maia’s house for the student exchange council’s annual year-ender bash. They had already inducted Han Yan as the new president with Michael, Yuzuru, Nam, and Maia as the executive board members. It saddens Denis to think that he’s finally leaving the org that he served and has found a second family in his whole college life. He must have drunk past his limit by now, since he keeps on losing the drinking games they’re playing. He’s not exactly a heavyweight like Misha, Alex, and Ashley who all drink like fish. He also curses Misha’s bartending skills as those drinks are about to knock him out.

His head begins to ache, so he decides to lie on the couch. As he watches the world spin around him and alternate between color and black, he realizes that Anna, Yulia, ad Adelina from the lower batch are sitting next to him. They all exchange glances as though they’re planning something. He notices that Misha and Maia are nearby, telling the three girls to go away. He has no idea what happens after that, as he just remembers everything going black and he hears several voices,but he’s too far gone to understand what’s happening. 

Maia’s the one who tells him what happens the following day when he wakes up inside the Shibutani condo’s guest room. Apparently, the three girls asked him several questions, one of them being if he and Ashley were an item. Maia also stresses how many times she told them to drop it. Suddenly, Denis just shouted “FOR FUCK’S SAKE. ASHLEY AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER.” That would have been the end of it, if not for Yulia’s hard head (Maia’s words, not his!) and she asked who he liked. “Alex. I like Alex, OK? Now leave me alone,” was what he said. Maia adds that Alex was right there when Denis said that. 

“You know what? Despite whatever he may have thought or felt, he still took care of you.”

 

 

 

 

They’re walking toward a part of the field that’s a lot quieter so that they can hear each other. They stop at an area filled with lights, but with fewer people.

“Alex,” Denis whispers. 

“Denis? What’s up?” 

“About what happened at the year-end party…” 

“It’s all cool, even if you threw up on our couch and my bed. It’s all good,” Alex says, laughing as he slings an arm around Denis’ shoulders. “Consider that as finally getting payback for all those times I did that to you.”

“No, Alex,” Denis says, willing the ground below to swallow him alive. I know there are some things I said that I shouldn’t have.” 

Alex’s grin fades. “Oh… About that...” 

“I just need to say this all before I lose my nerve. Please, don’t interrupt or leave me until I’m done.” 

“OK.”

“Alex, I know a drunken confession isn’t the best way to confess to someone I’ve been friends with for the past four years. Now I’m going to say it sober, and to your face. Alex Shibutani, I’m risking it all, especially our friendship just to say this. I love you, Alex. Ever since our first year. I don’t know how or why, but I do. I like seeing you happy, even if I’m not the reason for your happiness—although it would be cool if I am. But that’s not the way the world goes. I’m happy like this, as long as I’m in your life, and you’re in mine, I’ll be OK.”

Denis feels the tears he doesn’t want to show as he takes Alex’s hand and places his rose there. He doesn’t need pity. In fact, he doesn't even know what he needs for the inevitable. He knows that what’s about to happen isn’t going to be pretty.

To his surprise, he sees a tiny smile on Alex’s lips instead. He knows there’s no future for them in terms of romance, but still seeing Alex smile is much better than looking disgusted or creeped out.

“I knew it,” Alex whispers as he smiles that little smile. Denis knows that grin all too well. It’s the one Alex has on when he manages to answer well during Philo orals. “Thanks, Denis.”

Denis feels his eyes go wide at Alex’s revelation.

“Since when did you have a hunch?” 

“Ever since our immersion,” Alex replies. “You were sleeping, but then you were calling out my name in whatever it was you were dreaming about… I admit, it was a bit awkward to think about at first, but after a while, it was OK. You didn’t act any differently, and I didn’t either.” 

Denis swears under his breath, but Alex isn’t done talking.

“But Denis, you know I’m not ready to fall in love again, right? I know it’s been four years since my ex died weeks before my high school graduation, but I never completely moved on. As much as I want to tell you to wait for me, I refuse to do that to you. You deserve better than this, Denis. I’m sorry…”

He has no idea what to do or say. This is the reaction he expected. It still hurts, no matter what he tells himself. Despite the rejection, he’s still glad he got to tell Alex how he truly feels—sober. Otherwise, he’d be left wondering what if. Denis looks at his watch. It’s 12:51am, and he commits this time to memory. He doesn’t know how long this will affect him, but for now, he will remember 12:51am as the time he heard and felt his heart break into pieces for the first time. He knows this is the first of many heartbreaks, and the ones in the future might be worse than this. For some odd reason, he doesn’t regret letting Alex be the first person to break his heart like this. 

Alex slings an arm around him again, his face looking as though he’s afraid of breaking Denis even further. “Hey, even if I don’t like you that way, we’re still best friends right?” he whispers.

“Duh. Of course, you idiot,” Denis chuckles, relieved that Alex still wants to keep Denis in his life and preserve their friendship. 

“Don’t you go hiding from me at the baccalaureate mass AND the ceremony on Friday. We ought to have a photo op!” 

Denis snorts at this. “Excuse me. YOU might be the one to go into hiding. Of course I can’t hide! I have a solo to sing at the mass and I’ll be singing the college hymn at the end of our grad.” 

“I promise to take a video of you when your voice cracks as you cry while singing the college hymn!” 

“Fuck you, Shibutani,” Denis curses. “If you trip onstage while getting your diploma, I swear I will point and laugh at you.” 

Denis looks at his watch again. It’s finally time for the fireworks. It’s weird to be watching this with his best friend who just broke his heart. He chuckles at how ironic this all is. But then again, his friendship with Alex (and Misha) was never normal. He thinks this is a fitting conclusion to the romantic aspect of his and Alex’s story. Their friendship will still go on—there’s a lot more to explore, together and apart—but this one-sided romance has finally come to an end. Denis laughs as he realizes the similarity of a first love to fireworks. Both are tedious and dangerous in the preparation, beautiful for a short while, and both eventually fade into nothing once the show is over. He can only hope that the pain he feels now will eventually fade into a beautiful memory. 

 

 

 

 

_Not to say today, and not to say a thing tonight_

 

 

 

 

**EPILOGUE:**

Denis makes his way to the post Misha’s hiding behind. Once he gets there, the first thing Misha does is to hug him tight. Denis merely grimaces in his best friend’s embrace.

“Well, you saw what happened. Not a fairy tale ending, but it’s not too bad. Alex and I are still good.”

“And that’s all that matters,” Misha says. “So? Beer or coffee?”

Denis snorts. Misha knows him too well. “Fine. One can of beer first. I need to be here until everyone’s done cleaning up. Let’s get coffee later.” 

Misha leads him to another, quieter area of the field. It’s far enough for no one to overhear them, but still near enough for Denis to keep an eye on everyone and everything. He and Misha just exchange glances before Denis finally releases all the tears he’s been holding in all night. 

“I didn’t want to cry,” Denis says in between sobs, as Misha rubs his back. “We both knew this was going to happen, right? But it still hurts.” 

Misha says nothing as he lets Denis sob his heart out. This is good, since he needs to let it all out. It’s four years’ worth of unrequited love he’s letting go of in one night. It’s a love that was beautiful, but not meant to be. Four years of friendship and experiences—he confessed and got rejected. He hopes that by finally letting himself cry, he can finally let go of this love that was impossible from the start. He sought hope in it, and it just let him down. He hopes that by crying about this, he can finally end this chapter of his life and start moving on. 

After a while, Denis finds himself unable to cry anymore. The pain in his heart has dulled somewhat, but it’s still there. There is hope for him after all. He notices that Misha’s still holding his blue rose. “Hey, aren’t you going to give that?” 

“Like I said, Patrick’s gone, so what’s the point? Out of all the guys I’ve liked and flirted with, I didn’t find anyone as deserving of my blue rose,” Misha replies, chuckling. “I was planning on planting it on the field, but there are no roots, and it looks like it’s about to die.”

Denis found himself rolling on the field laughing. He knows it’s silly, but Misha always says things to make him laugh. As he fixes himself and is about to stand up, Misha joins him on the ground, looking serious. 

“Hey, I may not like you that way, but I think you’re worthy enough of this blue rose,” he says. “Ever since we first met in English class, you’ve never left my side. You became my best friend, brother, father, partner-in-crime, study buddy, security blanket, sober companion, and conscience I didn’t even know I needed even if we fought a lot. Whether we like it or not, we’re soulmates. This is why, Denis Ten, my bro for life, I’m giving my blue rose to you.” 

Misha hands over his blue rose to him. Denis never thought Misha thought of him this highly. All their college lives, Misha’s always called him a “wet blanket of a fake husband,” especially during Hell Week. If Alex was the one who seconded Misha’s crazy schemes, Denis was their “killjoy” reality check—even if he ended up joining them in their antics. They often got into fights which ended with them making up over dinner. For Misha to say these things, Denis couldn’t help but cry again—this time, out of joy and gratitude. 

“Oh, Misha,” he says as he sobs. 

“Cut that out before I take it all back, Ten!” Misha says as he hands him a towel. “Wipe that face, since your deputy’s looking for you.” 

Denis laughs as he accepts the towel. Maybe, this whole thing is for his own good. He knows he’ll be fine by the time he and Alex see each other again on Friday, at the baccalaureate mass. He’s glad nothing changed in their friendship, and that’s enough for him. He may have lost something, but he knows there’s a lot to gain. He has no idea how, when, or where, but he knows he’ll make it through. For now, he knows that he went through a life without regrets, before it was too late.

-30-

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the translated version of “Ba’t Di Mo Sabihin”  
> Title and LJ cut text taken from Avril Lavigne’s “Things I’ll Never Say,” while the song Misha was singing along to and the last lines before the epilogue were taken from The Fray’s “Unsaid”  
> Everything written in here was taken from my own and my friends’ college experiences. Block A1 2012, thank you.  
> To Dianne, Mark, Brian, Pao, Bea, and Chrissy, you guys were my blue rose support group when my block mates had their own woes. Thanks guys.  
> To those who understand both languages, you will notice some differences between this and the original. :)  
> Sorry, #teamyelobear, you will be sharing dedications with my former block mates for this one.  
> Thanks to Bruno for being this fic’s beta-reader, and to Yuki for helping me translate this  
> There’s an upcoming support project for Michael Martinez. Please check for updates at twitter.com/TropicalFrost. Here’s to hoping you support it too. >.


End file.
